A harriette is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking.  Because the trip is long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.  During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

 

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my hasher husband." The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

 

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."  "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him, "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."  "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

"How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.

Once upon a time a man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.. As fate would have it she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure." She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a
meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said "and what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American  men are the most well endowed of all men when in fact it is the  Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein.  But my friends call me Bubba."

Condoleeza Rice and George W are in the Oval Office...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.!
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, her0e.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food
in the Middle East?
 

HISTORY WITH HUONG

It was the first day of school, and a new student named Huong, the son of a Vietnamese businessman, entered year nine at The Kings School in Parramatta. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Australian history. Who said, "Vinegar Hill"?  She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Huong - "Captain Henry Ross, Eureka Stockade, Ballarat, 1854", he said.

"Very good! Who said "We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?" Again, no response except from Huong: "General Sir John Monash, 1915.", said Huong. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Huong, who is new to our country, but knows more about its history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese."
 

 "Who said that?" she demanded. Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."
 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right!  Now, who said that?"

 

Again, Huong says, "Paul Keating, meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir, 1991."
 

 Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

 

Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Gareth Evans, to Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"
 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. You say anything else, I'll kill you."
 

 Huong frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral Chris Ritchie at the "children overboard" enquiry, 2001." The teacher fainted. 

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a  salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.  And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
 

 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor,  doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's  office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the  doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five pen!ses." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your  trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

Lastly - to check the time, click on  http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
 

ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS

1.  She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband said she was very hot in bed last night.
2.  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.  On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4.  The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
5.  The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6.  Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7.  Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.  The patient refused autopsy.
9.  The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.  Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.  Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12.  Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13.  She is numb from her toes down.
14.  While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15.  The skin was moist and dry.
16.  Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18.  Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19.  She stated that she had been constipated for most of her until she got a divorce.
20.  I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21.  Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22.  Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23.  The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24.  The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25.  Skin:  Somewhat pale but present.
26.  The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27.  Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28.  Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The Intern and the Unabomber: from a contest in Los Angeles, the requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick.

These are are the three winners:

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers:

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
E = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

******************************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
E: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
E: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
E: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
E: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
E: Live bugs on backorder.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
E: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
E: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
E: That's what they're there for!
 

P: IFF inoperative.
E: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
E: Suspect you're right.
 

P: Number 3 engine missing.
E: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 

P: Target radar hums.
E: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
E: Cat installed.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admission policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to
the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was
going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, it was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I
can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

 

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

 

The third man says, "OK, picture this.  I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Jason, a New Zealand hasher, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Jason. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Jason that he had prostate problems, and the only cure was testicular removal.

No way doc" replied Jason "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Pommy doctor gave Jason the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Jason refused the treatment. Jason was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Jason, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Jason hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Jason", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Jason, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 
This is apparently a true story, displaying the lateral thinking of a six year old.
 
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
 
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:  'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"  The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:

 

"I think the man would have said: "Well, fuck me!  A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic...but he has never had sex before so he makes a  trip to the chemist to get some condoms. The chemist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really  going to give it to this girl", the boy tells the chemist, "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The chemist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up  at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents come on in!" The boy goes inside and  is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and  the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and  still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head  down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no  idea you were this religious".

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no  idea your father was a chemist."

AXES PROLIFERATE

 

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said would be way eviler than the stupid Iran-Iraq-North

The last word on Saddam Hussein 

One day in the future, Saddam has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Saddam thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Saddam said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day" commented Saddam. 

The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Saddam took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"

The man said "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you  have intercourse" and charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for  $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

Hash Geography 
 
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a harriette is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with ample bushland around the fertile deltas.

 

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a harriette is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade. 

 Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
 

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a harriette is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She has lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. A little reconstruction may be necessary.

 

Between the ages of 50 - 60 a harriette is like Russia or Canada. Wide, expansive and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.

 

Between the ages of 60 - 70 she is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past, but alas little future.

 

After 70, she is Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Harrier

Between the ages of 15 - 99, a hasher is like Zimbabwe....ruled by a small dick.
 

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.  She  asks  him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and  hear  just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or  ask  that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic  too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

 

Another taxi experience

Half way through his quiet taxi ride, a hasher tapped the cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up a sidewalk, and stopped just centimeters from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that to me again. You scared the daylights out of me."
 
The hasher apologized and said he did not realize that a little tap could scare him that much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm so sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I have been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!